Christian authors compete in bake-off (a satire)

Announcer: (to the camera) Today on Celebrity Chefs––a very a special Christian author episode. The challenge? A simple birthday cake. Yes, a simple birthday cake. (to the authors) You’ve all made and decorated birthday cakes before, haven’t you? The directions are in front of you. All you have to do is follow the directions, make and bake, and our judge, Chef Jeff, will determine whose is best based on presentation, consistency and taste.

Okay, let’s begin…

(clock swipe)


Announcer: Boy, that 30 minutes sure went by fast, let’s see how our celebrity bakers did, shall we? Chef Jeff, what’s your take?

Chef Jeff: (Dressed in a typical chef’s outfit) Tell me about your birthday cake.

Author #1: Well, it certainly is a super-duper delicious super-sweet delectable.

Chef Jeff: Well, I can’t wait to try it. (Takes a fork full, spits it out). Wha….what did you do?

Author #1: Well, I…I put together every ingredient that makes a super-duper sweet cake.

Chef Jeff: I’ll say.

Author #1: It’s even sweeter than my homemade tea.

Chef Jeff: It’s so sweet it’s sickening.

Author #1: What? I took the directions and then added double the amount of sugar, double the amount of frosting. It has a pudding filling and a strawberry filling and a double-dose of chocolate fudge swirl. I even added gumballs and gumdrops on top.

Chef Jeff: (sarcastically) No cherry on top?

Author #1: (pouts)

Announcer: Well, let’s see how our other celebrity contestants did. Bill, you’re next.

Author #2: Here’s my cake. (Hands a slice to the judge)

Chef Jeff: Hmmm….(pokes at it) There seems to be a little something…ehr….lumpy.

Author #2: Ohhhh, that must be the clam.

Chef Jeff: Clam? 

Author #2: Yes, you see, I did something no other person has done before––probably in the history of baking. I put a clam in my cake.

Chef Jeff: Why on earth…?

Author #2: Well, you see, I think it’s time to explore things that have yet to be done. A new level. It’s like this, think about it. Why should I have a cake that’s been done the same way for generations? I mean, this is a new age of cake making. Let’s go deeper, it’s time for something new. So I closed the directions and made my own. Afterall, there’s more to making a cake than what the directions say.

Chef Jeff: But…clams don’t go into a cake.

Author #2: I refuse to believe that a clam does not belong in a cake. Taste it. Taste it and see.

Chef Jeff: No. I refuse to believe to refuse to believe that a clam does not belong in a cake.

Author #2: (offended) Oh, I see. You’re stuck in traditionalism. Sure, go ahead and miss out on a new thing. Let is slip by you completely.

Chef Jeff: Fine. Next!

Announcer: Well….we have one contestant left. Rob, let’s see your….pie?

Author #3: Yes.

Chef Jeff: Why did you make a pie? The contest was clearly to make a cake. You even had the directions in front of you.

Author #3: Well, after I thought about this. And thought. And thought some more, I realized, I don’t need to make a cake.

Chef Jeff: But that’s what the contest was about….

Author #3: I don’t like cake.

Chef Jeff: That’s irrelevant.

Author #3: Why should I make a cake when I don’t like it? I like pie, so I made a pie.

Chef Jeff: (dumbfounded) I…I’m at a loss for words.

Author #3: You wouldn’t make a very good public speaker or author then, would you?

Chef Jeff: (stares blankly at Rob)

Author #3: You see, a cake and a pie are really the same thing, once you think about it. They’re both desserts. You use flour and sugar and sometimes a pudding. So what’s the difference, when you think about it?

Chef Jeff: (irritated) I see this is some kind of fruit pie. What kind of fruit is it?

Author #3: It’s that so-called (makes air quotes) forbidden fruit. (Puts hand to the side of his mouth, leans in and whispers) But it’s not really forbidden.

Chef Jeff: (heaves a sigh) I see no one followed the directions. NO ONE! It was right in front of you all along. Two of you didn’t even open up the directions. Why did you not read the directions and do what it said? I mean, I know you’re all men, and men don’t read directions, but…(takes off chef’s hat, turns around, bites hand, yells, and storms out).

Announcer: Well, this was certainly an interesting and memorable celebrity author episode, wasn’t it? Tune in next week as we have another round of celebrity chefs, only this time it’s Contemporary Christian Musicians and they’re making cookies. See you net time. Good night, everyone!


Outro music, audience claps, lights fade out.




One thought on “Christian authors compete in bake-off (a satire)

  1. Pingback: CCM Artists compete in bake-off (a satire) – A Closer Look

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